cheers

hey hey PUNKS!

So a LOT of stuff has happened lately that has just purely warranted me moping about wondering what my purpose in life really is. My grandma passed away recently, and she was honestly, the ONE person that loved me UNCONDITIONALLY. Like..nobody on planet earth could have loved me more. It still hasn't hit me yet..I just mostly remember her voice and her running after me when i was a baby trying to get me to eat food (which at the time was the BANE of my existance, but is quite the opposite now *haha*). Whenever people leave me, I just feel like it's evil to not let them go, and to make them hold on just for our sick pleasure of their wonderful company. I feel like when you let them go, they are truly at peace, and they are truly free. And I've realized most importantly, that they live on forever in my memory, so for however "forever" I am alive, so are those who leave us.

And I'm sort of jealous, because "death is the road to awe."

I want to be awed sometimes. Don't get me wrong..but if you've read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, you'll understand when I say I want to see the Universe in its full glory when I die. That's kind of all I live for! After all, I am a part of this Universe, so whatever little part of me I understand, so will I to that of the Universe at large. All these "sad" events have brought so much more meaning to my life. That yes, death is scary when it happens. Simply because you're not human anymore. No matter what you believe in, reincarnation, salvation, resurrection in different forms, total oblivious-ness, transportation to heaven or hell, whatever..ultimately, death brings about the ending of human existence. And believe you me, that's one HELL of a scary thought. To not EXIST, ironically, is a scary thought. I say ironically because I constantly worry about why things even exist, but I only realize the importance of their existence once they are no more. To exist is to be, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually a manifestation of this Universe. Although I really believe death is equally so, it's hard to comprehend losing the physical aspect of that manifestation. It's hard to imagine not ACTUALLY BEING anymore, not actually breathing, eating, sleeping, and feeling our emotions as a part of a living entity. Maybe it's hard to also accept that once that physical part is gone, that there will be nobody who will be able to "see" the other parts of being. It's so scary to accept being free of the human body.

So here's to my life. Here's to my existence. *raises imaginary drink* Here's to understanding my Universe. And here's to my wonderful, loving grandma, who will live with me forever. Forever.

I JUST read this too: "I am nothing more than a single narrow gasping lung, floating over the mists and summits." -Peter Habeler, 1978