my predatory wasp

my broken social scene

EYyo!

I know; seems like it's been years since I shared greater than 5 words. Surgery is like an oroborus - it sucks the life out of me as well as fills me with exuberance all at the same time. I don't know what to do with it all. *enter quarter-life crisis*

Speaking of which, I'm slowly panicking that I'm going to be 25 within the next couple months. :O WHY is this so scary? I still remember a moment when I was probably 5 years old in India, when it was the middle of night and everybody was sleeping. I remember staring into the mirror in our bathroom confused about who I was, where I was going, and what it all meant. I find myself looking in the mirror again. I'm just as clueless as the day it all began. The surprising thing is, relative to my perspective, everyone else seems to have it all figured out. Maybe it's an optical illusion - I perceive this per the standards I set for myself. Thus, I am always below (?). ...Possibly?

Does that mean I should lower my standards? Or rise above my perception of where everyone else is? Would that mean I'd continue to loose myself even more than I already have? Or would I find more?

Oh my gosh.

My social scene has suffered the most. It's clearly..broken. I kind of like it? haha..I think about "all the things I'm giving up" to "gain medical knowledge." When, in fact, I'm really living through it all - each and every single moment of it. I'll admit, I kind of love it. I've enjoyed third year more than any thus far, and I think a lot has to do with FINALLY interacting with real human beings, even though this occasionally involves exhausted residents who want nothing to do with our incessant pestering questions, or patients who we wake up at 3am in the morning to see if they had a bowel movement or farted. We do this simply because we have to beat the interns who get there by 4:30, who have to beat the residents who get there by 6, and then we have rounds at 7am. O.o

Yeah. So I leave with this wonderful reminiscence of my India, with a little of my Broken Social Scene: