i just killed....

...an exam with my bare pencil.

KILLED. 

I'm going to go bury it in the snow so that the blood doesn't haunt me, lest I become too arrogant.

To the heart - I humbly await you. May your four chambers keep me intrigued, enthralled, and in heated pursuit. I certainly never hope to fathom your twists and turns, your conniving laughs and gruesome sorrows - but I appreciate that you choose to grace my life with confusion and enlightenment.

Cheers - to learning about what makes you beat!

aka. CARDIOLOGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :

                                                 And if the moment wasn't perfect enough already, 

  I received this in the mail,

love ABrierty-->

higgs boson

<3

study break

got dem lights poppin'
got mah brain rockin'
ink's fizzling paper
dynamite knowledge breaker

~moi, copyrighted yo.


I found this in my lecture notes, and thought I'd share. ;)

zzzzz

"study-nap: a state of attempted productivity characterized by cyclic head-bobbing complicated by a false sense of motivation eventually culminating in the inevitable 2 hours of neurological unresponsiveness, face-drooling-on-keyboard sleep which is abruptly ended by the "oh shit" response." ~Mallory

a parenthesis in eternity

Happy Anniversary Bebu & Petu :)

There's FIVE flowers now!  *squeee*

 In other self-related news:

Latest art fart:

you have been given a direct order to rock the fuck out

~Anis Mojgani

el flor

Today, a moment of joy happened. I didn't save anybody's life yet, nor did I ace an exam, nor did I win the lottery. My happy plant, that had gone into hibernation for a month, decided to bloom again. There's a cute little flower on it!!!!!! It had stopped blooming right before christmas, but I didn't expect it to come back so fast. :)

Keepin' my life medical-zombie-free one cheerful flower bloom at a time.

lymphangioleiomyomatosis

Ok, so obviously best friends think alike. I have a ginormous exam on the kidneys and urogenital tract tomorrow morning at 7:30am. So what am I doing instead? Bloggin' ofcourse! *skip*



I think the world should see some keywords that are supposedly "easy" to remember, so here is a fun *FUN* (enter sarcasm) list:

tram track
intimal thickening
basket weave
wireloop
spikes
subepithelial humps
mesangial immune complexes
thin cortex
fibrin strands
effacement of podocytes
crescents
ribbon like
linear
granular
collapsing variant
flea bitten kidney
onion skinning
acute suppurative inflammation
papillary necrosis (differences?)
calyces damage
fibrinoid necrosis
tubular atrophy and diffuse interstitial fibrosis
osteoblastic lesions
U shaped depressions?  (shruti can you remind me of what this was?  chronic pyelonephritis?)
nephrogenic rest

I would love to hear what you make of it...

Also, this was a random conversation I had with myself:
i wish i were as smart as my kidneys...
kid - ney
ki -dney
k-idney
kidn-ey-ay?

Last week I got to participate in an Ultrasound Clinic - I got to see that:
1. I may not have a right kidney (we couldn't find it)
2. My uterus may be slightly misaligned
3. My heart is as big as a ping pong ball - aka. extremely tiny! OMG - it was like a butterfly fluttering! :)
Overall, I would say that was my favorite experience this year, so far (it's January though so I shouldn't limit myself eh?).

Last, but not least, I applied for a bunch of scholarships. *crossed fingers & toes*

p.s. For those of you who eat hot dogs -->

what falls...

what falls on the side
of my soul

"i wanna speak at an intimate decibel
with the precision of an infinite decimal,
to listen up and send back a true echo
of something forever felt but never heard
i want that sharpened steel of truth in every word" ~Why?

"September.

October.

November.

December.

January.

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me." ~New Moon

2010

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

stay hungry. stay foolish.

~Bill Gates

I still remember the beginning of 2009. I was in the Himalayas. I didn't even know when it happened. *heh* Gorgeous mountains have that effect on time. I recently found this in my diary; it was a quote I scribbled - I have no recollection where I found it. But here it is, in all its vain glory:

"My true self was never born, never ages and never dies. Yet to say that I will live for eternity is not true either, as it is utterly beyond time. Perhaps the closest thing would be to say that there is just this utterly unchanging moment, yet this also fails to hit the mark as it could imply that it is static which it is not. It is beyond static and moving. Thus before the world was, I AM. Not before the world, I was, but before the world, I AM."

the difference

On my way back from Houston, I met a psych doctor who was sitting next to me on the airplane. I asked him what the difference was between animals and humans.

He said: "The ability to cheat."

fear

aaah! t-16 days. I feel old, and feeble.

mEEEooow

agua

Trueism!

I'm kind of scared dudes. What are we going to do with our new found knowledge of water on the Moon? A lot of scientists are excited at the prospects of utilizing it to power rocket fuel production or having a "base" on the Moon from which we can advance explorations elsewhere (convert it to hydrogen gas powered propulsion systems). Others have hypothesized colonization, and direct utilization to counter what we've done to our sources of water on Earth. I'm sure atleast for the next few years we will just investigate what's available and what it means, but great discoveries bring great power.

And as Uncle Ben would say: "With great power comes great responsibility."

as the stars burn, heal

I remember sleeping in my backyard for nights in a row in my sleeping bag watching meteor showers. I'd think of them as God throwing burnt ideas on rough paper at us - and I would wonder what they might have said.

It's time I fell in love with stars again. It's ironic that their fall uplifts me.

I've been so engrossed in the Microscopic Universe that sometimes I forget how I'm a tiny, itty bitty speck in The Big One. Just today, a few moments ago, NASA announced the presence of WATER on the Moon! OUR MOON!

Why did this take so long?!

We've been searching Mars, and other extraterrestrial planets hundreds of light years away using sophisticated technology that for so long not once did we think to point our minds towards the closest celestial body to our own. In fact, even when we went up there and brought back the infamous "moon rocks" (for those of you who don't believe we landed - fuck you) analysis revealed no significant findings. But just because we landed on some obscure spot and scraped off superficial dirt should not have ensued in a definitive end to our explorations. I am incredibly proud of India - just the contribution that was made to such a significant finding, and the thought process behind how cold sinks could act as condensation spots for water.

I can't wait for all the havoc future results might wreak. I say - bring it. It's about time our sky held the spotlight.

"In the Full moon's light i listen to the sea,
And in between the silence, hear you calling me,
But i don't know where i am,
And i don't trust who I fear,
But If i dont wanna, will i hear them leave?
Ooh, ooh" ~Full Moon, The Black Ghosts

cruisin'

*imagine drunk hispanic patient in ER hallway in handcuffs*: "-ey! ooo hell' me? UOO HELL' ME?! FUCK U BEACHEZ! EY YOU! U HELL' ME?"
Doc: "He's got a baaad case of Jail-itis"

*overheard*
Dude: "This one food package said 'Whore Foods!'"

Nurse: "I need lotion. I'm feeling some personal dryness"
Doc: "OKAY there. Little too much info."

pancakes & chocolate chip banana bread

Yay I have awesome things to discuss...finally. Great thoughts that need to be discussed happen when one needs to procrastinate amidst the most difficult domain we're learning...aka. heme/onc.

1. For those of you who ask me "What's med school like?" this article sums it ALL. This is how I eat, breathe, sleep, and survive med school. And yes, it involves a lot of sugar, and if you're Indian, a significant amount of spice. So next time you see me, don't ask! (Also note, my mom commented on the article as "med students mom" - its kind of cute)

 http://rumorsweretrue.wordpress.com/2006/11/01/pancakes-every-morning/

2. In honor of not freaking out about med school, I made my first EVER baked american or any-can dish today. Behold, the amazing chocolate chip banana bread! *insert voila music*

3. I went to the National Interim AMA Meeting, which was in Houston this year. Lemme tell ya - ain' NOTHIN' thurr. Seriously, I know we did not have any time to hang out and do fun things in the city at all, but apart from the gorgeous skyscrapers there's not a SINGLE person on the streets! wtf?!  Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING closes at 1:30p.m. on weekdays. My friend Paul and I went to a cafe to study and they closed at 4p.m. and we were the only customers they've probably had in decades. I'm telling you - the city is immaculate, spotless, uses a ton of Spray N' Wash or something...it's beautiful, but ain' no peeps. I thought it was strange. We think it might be inhabited by zombies - except nobody "reappears" at night either.

Except for one interesting incident perhaps - Liz and I woke up to bagpipes at our hotel...walked downstairs to find there was an Irish-Indian wedding going on *cue throng of overly dressed Indians and two dudes wearing checkered skirts playing bagpipes.* Amazing. My favorite part was going up and down the elevator to the 30th floor, crapping my pants and staying as FAR AWAY from the glass window overlooking other scary skyscrapers when I got up there. I think each time I went up and down there was some sort of mathematical proof that was written into the Math Law Book (which I hereby declare an official publication):  my confidence and self-image exponentially increased as I got closer to the ground.

I did enjoy a few gorgeous sunsets though. I'll be honest - the picture does not do the moment justice. It was priceless.

4. My friend Casey hadn't seen me in a while and asked me "What do you collect?" I looked around and thought and thought and thought. I'm sure I mumbled some wondrous excuse for an answer but the truth is ever since I was a kid who collected stamps, and stones, and shells, I haven't really done much other than collect bits and pieces of information that rarely define who I truly am. Which got me thinking....Who am I...truly? (We'll save the answer for a future moment of procrastination)

5. Why is light overrated? Why is darkness stereotyped as bad, evil, scary? If anything, a majority (I think 60%?) of outer space is unoccupied by light. Morever, what do we see when we close our eyes? Mostly - darkness (I know, our mind chooses to see otherwise). But WHOA! Darkness is so powerful. Who says it could be trumped by light? And it's not fair to say that darkness exists to do light justice - you can't just appreciate darkness because it makes one appreciate the existence of light even more. In doing so the definition of darkness is slightly discounted under that of light. So I question human definition - Why is darkness not holy just as much as light? Is darkness not the moment when you find yourself without the help of your visual definitions - when you define your place in a space defined by your mind? My point is that the lack of "light" be it physically, mentally, emotionally should not be feared, but rather embraced. It hones the ability of the mind to accept different realities - in turn helping shape how we interact when a different one is presented in the presence of light. I hope you get that this is a giant metaphor.

 If not...got pancakes?

medicine

aka. laughter

the prophet

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

All these things shall love do unto you
that you may know the secrets of your heart,
and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only
love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing floor,
Into the seasonless world where you
shall laugh, but not all of your laughter,
and weep, but not all of your tears.

~Khalil Gibran

a cat named AIDS

Shiv: What if someone named their pet Lupus?
Joe: Or any other disease - "Here Duchenne"
Me: I had a friend whose cat was named AIDS
Joe: (after a lot of laughter) That's our new band name. "A cat named AIDS"

p.s. Watch out for our talents. *cough*

oh when i wake up these days
i feel i'm gonna die
nothing makes my soul feel alright
there's no comfort in my life

oh how i loved you so
guess how i loved you so
i had to let you go

oh how i wish i was dreaming
cause i feel i can't survive
the nightmares fill my mind
i always wake up screaming

oh how i loved you so
but i had to let you go
oh i how i loved you so
i just thought i should let you know

oh how i loved you so
but i had to let you go

oh like this dying season
i had to let you go
oh like this dying season
i had to let you go
i had to let you go

~Untitled hidden track, The Album Leaf

in honor of my nerdy friends

"We are a way for the cosmos to know itself" ~Carl Sagan

mythical wolf

Shiv: "You know 'lupus' means wolf? I had my gmail status message set to 'lupus, the myTHIcal wolf.'"
Me: "You mean Lupin? Like in Harry Potter?"
Shiv: "Is he a wolf?"
Me: "Yeah! He's a WEREWOLF! That makes me appreciate Harry Potter SO much more!"
Shiv: "WOW...that impresses you? Not the fact that Lupus devours tissues like a wolf?!"

Shiv: "OoOoooooOOOh! the COSMIC SOUND OF TRUTH! I'm going to make one....The Cosmic Sound of Lupus!!!!"

It won't stop!
Shiv: "What does dino in dinosaurus mean?"
Me: "I dunno...BIG?"
Shiv: "No way, then there would have to be a microsaurus!"

(btw: Deino = terrible; sauros = lizard --> end result = dinosaurus! *AAAAAH*)

aw :(

 This past week while I was studying for my ID exam I noticed a big daddy longlegs on my windowsill, and he/she was trying to climb up and down the wood panel in front of the window. I watched it in wonder - the shaky thin legs, the intent and motivation to get up there, the sheer existence of such an elegant, beautiful creature that most likely feared me more that I did it. Before all of this I had noticed it over days - flitting up and down on my loft walls, and I would watch it and think "let it live."

To think I had that sort of power in my hand - how dare I make such an assumption? Who am I to let a bug live or die? Why I thought of myself as morally superior for "letting it live" brings me to understand how ignorant I am of the things I understand about life.

Just now, I see it near the panel of wood on the cement base of my windowsill - dead. Its beautiful legs are still just as elegant when not moving. To think I could even remotely influence its survival is beyond me. Arrogance and ignorance - a daddy longlegs taught me to be humble today. I hope I'll remember tomorrow.

mind bends truth

heart twists muscle

dreams shift reality

soul soothes sleep.

~me

slap happy

Mountain Dew (my elixir) does things to me...

eg. I was going to fill my "bottle cap code" in to see what the hype's about and procrastinate just a little more and found this instead...                                    -->

i love PBL!

1. Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize! Holy whoas! I completely understand that "whilst" he really hasn't done anything "concrete" I commend the Nobel Peace Prize committee for not overlooking his vision and upholding the tremendous shift in "hope" that he has raised in a very very short time! It takes a great personality to do that. Although at the same time, I think maybe, just MAYBE other candidates might have deserved it more. Just because the committee supports his vision or cause doesn't mean they overlook the qualifications of others. Is that favoritism? But aren't all awards favoritism? Hah! Look who's talking.

2. NASA bombed the moon. "If the true intent of the LCROSS mission moon bombing is a hostile act by NASA against known extraterrestrial civilizations and settlements on the moon, then NASA and by extension the U.S. government are guilty of aggressive war which is the most serious of war crimes under the U.N. Charter and the Geneva Conventions, to which the U.S. is subject. The U.N. Outer Space Treaty, which the U.S. has ratified, requires that “ The moon and other celestial bodies shall be used by all States Parties to the Treaty exclusively for peaceful purposes. The establishment of military bases, installations and fortifications, the testing of any type of weapons and the conduct of military manoeuvres on celestial bodies shall be forbidden.” 98 nations have ratified and 125 nations have signed the U.N. Outer Space Treaty." Source: HILARIOUS.

3. A few goats fainted upon reading the above statement.

4. This is the page I'm staring at right now, and it's cracking me up. To continue the thought on the next page "The other pathogenic kidnea bean is Neisseria gonorrhoeae, who is a pervert (notice how he is displaying the latest center-fold pin-up.) He enjoys hanging out on sexual organs and swimming in "sexual fluids." He causes the STD gonorrhea." ~Clinical Microbiology made Ridiculously Simple

5. derk:  classes were 6-9pm inside the old chem building

 me:  when you got to learn you got to learn!

 derk:  it was horrible, lol

me:  i spent 4 years in that building!

i'lll probably die from MacCrackenosis

derk:  that building sucks
derk: probablly   
derk: ill diagnose your death

6. Sadie gave me highlighters! Life is GOOOD when you have highlighters! :P

7. Bioethics conference this weekend in Traverse City. THEN ID EXAM ON MONDAY! *goat faint*

demands

I want more highlighters for Christmas. The end. O.o

my new fix

I woke up with the power out,
nothing something to shout about.
Ice has covered up my parents hands
don't have any dreams don't have any plans.

I went out into the night,
I went out to find some light.
Kids are swingin' from the power lines,
nobody's home, so nobody minds.

I woke up on the darkest night,
neighbors all were shoutin' that they found the light.
(We found the light)
Shadows jumpin' all over the walls
some of them big, some of them small.

I went out into the night.
I went out to pick a fight with anyone.
Light a candle for the kids,
Jesus Christ don't keep it hid!

Woohoo! Woohoo! Woohoo!

Ice has covered up my parents hands
don't have any dreams, don't have any plans.
Growin' up in some strange storm,
nobody's cold, nobody's warm.

I went out into the night,
I went out to find some light.
Kids are dyin' out in the snow,
look at them go, look at them go!

Woohoo!(3x) WOO! Woohoo!(3x)

And the power's out in the heart of man,
take it from your heart put in your hand.(hand)

What's the plan? What's the plan?

Is it a dream? Is it a lie?
I think I'll let you decide.
Just light a candle for the kids,
Jesus Christ don't keep it hid!

Cause nothin's hid, from us kids!
You ain't foolin' nobody with the lights out!

Woohoo!(2x)

And the power's out in the heart of man,
take it from your heart put in your hand.
And there's something wrong in the heart of man,
Take it from your heart and put it in your hand!
(hand!)(the lights out!)(hand!)(right now!)(hand!)

the sun & stars

 "There once was a sage who lived in a lonely temple high in the mountains. He was visited one day by a wandering monk. As the two were talking a wild animal roared close by, and the visiting monk, supposedly Enlightened, jumped. "I see it is still with you," said the sage...referring, of course, to the instinctive "passion" of fright. Shortly afterwards, while he was unobserved for a moment, the visiting monk inscribed the Chinese character for the Buddha on the rock the sage was accustomed to sit. When the sage returned to sit down he saw the sacred Name and hesitated to sit. "I see," said the wandering monk, "it is still with you!" ~ (Attributed to one of 1700 Ch'an and Buddhism related kung-ans of the Ching-tech'uan teng-lu compiled during the Ching-te Era. The oldest and most influential of the "Transmission of the Lamp" (teng-lu) texts. Compiled by Tao-yuan of the line of Fa-yen Wen I (885-958).)

 

 "My true self was never born, never ages and never dies. Yet to say that I will live for eternity is not true either, as it is utterly beyond time. Perhaps the closest thing would be to say that there is just this utterly unchanging moment, yet this also fails to hit the mark as it could imply that it is static which it is not. It is beyond static and moving. Thus before the world was, I AM. Not before the world, I was, but before the world, I AM." ~Anonymous

A few artists elicit wonder in me, Al Magnus is one of them.
One question: If all clouds had a rope attached to them, what would you do?

The usual 8am tomorrow! yay! Maybe I can steal a piece of the sun and store it for winter. For now, the stars are waiting. :)

oh xkcd!

Also, I have discovered that the answer is always Lupus! O.o

lightenin' bolts a glowin'

Me: "Sadie, ECG and EKG are the same thing right?"
Sadie: "Yup"
Dr. Jeff: "What's an ECG stand for?"
Me: Electrocardiogram
Dr. Jeff: "EEG?"
Me: Electroencephalogram, for brain activity.
Dr. Jeff: "EGG?"
Me: Electrogastrointestinogram?
Dr. Jeff: "Egg!!!"

Conclusion: Take advantage of gullible med students.

Today's muse: Wake Up by Arcade Fire

Somethin' filled up
my heart with nothin',
someone told me not to cry.

But now that I'm older,
my heart's colder,
and I can see that it's a lie.

Children wake up,
hold your mistake up,
before they turn the summer into dust.

If the children don't grow up,
our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.
We're just a million little gods causin' rain storms turnin' every good thing to
rust.

I guess we'll just have to adjust.

With my lightnin' bolts a glowin'
I can see where I am goin' to be
when the reaper he reaches and touches my hand.

With my lightnin' bolts a glowin'
I can see where I am goin’
With my lightnin' bolts a glowin'
I can see where I am, go-go, where I am

You'd better look out below

boobies...?

	♫ Shiv: your neighbor is a girl. do you know what that means?  Me: no.  Shiv: It means you can stare at her boobs

swine flu

My first day in the hospital as a medical student presenting and making a real clinical diagnosis! AND I had a patient in respiratory isolation with swine flu! :) You might think "Only med students would be excited about swine flu..." but there are some virologists out there....

A brief note on procrastination...
amanda: just remember: A focused mind is one of the most powerful forces in the universe.
me: really?
what drug told u that?

*cough* my favorite nerds... :P

Carl Sagan, Stephen Hawkings, and Röyksopp!



Latest musical muse that I can ALMOST play on my guitar!

SPARTA

EDIT: This was designed my my fellow med student Austin Kerndt!!! OMG! I didn't even know! He came up to me and told me! And if you look carefully you can sort of kind of see his name on the top right corner! Also, he's in the picture with the *TUBA* on the right. Brilliant!!!!!! :)

xkcd

“The moment their arms spun freely in the air they were doomed for man has earned his right to hold this planet against all comers, by virtue of occasionally producing someone totally batshit insane.”

waiting till 30

amanda: you know it

me: i know everything

amanda: if you have any fault it's modesty

me: that's better than arrogance

amanda: this is true

although that was very sarcastic

me: haha, i know everything, remember?

amanda: that must be quite painful

me: just to my left eye

amanda: lol your knowledge is trying to OOZE OUT

like Reye's Syndrome

me: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

omg it's only 12am

amanda: only

me: knowledge shouldn't be oozing out...yet

amanda: I MUST KNOW

me: UNTIL IT OOZES

moto for studying: KNOW UNTIL IT OOZES
amanda: like a nasty P. acnes infection


:P

the mind is limitless

the inevitable

The day before my first ER shadowing experience as a part of EMIG (Emergency Medicine Interest Group) I went to ask my friend Meena, who had already had a couple experiences, what it was like. She honestly looked a little rattled. It had been the first time anybody in the EMIG had been asked to perform chest compressions, and the patient had passed away.

*speechless*

My visit that night was relatively uneventful. But my second visit, not so much so.

It started out quite calmly - the usual patient history, chief comlaint, labs, discussion with a million people on what it could be or how to treat it, staring at radiology images and frantically speaking with radiologists about masses and unexpected perfusions. We even had a young patient who was horrified by the prospect of her first visit to the ER so much so that she had severe tachycardia (elevated heart rate). I was also sent into a patients room all alone to determine a diagnosis all by myself, and I succeeded...it was jaundice. *hah* Not easy to miss. But my resident was proud of me. :) Not long after, the docs, residents, and I sat joking about an exam the residents had earlier that day.

My resident was supposed to switch shifts. I "handed myself over" to the next resident who would guide me with infallible efficiency throughout my last case of the night. A patient was wheeled in with chest pain (I can't share more details). I just stood in a corner watching information transferring from the EMT's to the attending physician. He was alert, and able to speak, except I noticed his head was very VERY pale. All of a sudden he lost consciousness. That did it for me.

I still remember saying to myself "OH my god! He's going to die! I'm not ready for this! Oh my god what if he dies right in front of me?! I've never seen ANYONE die before! He's dying!" I also still remember my body saying to itself "You need to leave this room, and go outside and sit down. You're light headed and the last thing the emergency team needs is a fainted first year medical student beside a dying patient. Hold onto the bench! Hold on to the bench! And don't lock your knees!"

Within the 5 minutes of flurry to regain balance, the patient had been stabilized, and surprisingly so did my mind..... for about ten minutes, after which CPR was begun. And I was called to do it. And I did. At 120 I got dizzy. He was a big man, and I was a little girl, watching the ECG reading blip up and down with each pump of his chest. There was nothing apart from that. Within 30 minutes of when his chest pain began, he had passed away.

I cried. I cried because I didn't feel anything. If anything, I felt inhuman. Was it the lack of personal contact? That it happened so fast? I will never know.

I said a little prayer as I left the room.

N.A.S.A.

NEW MUSIC ALERT!



This is probably going to be popular ALL OVER! But there are better songs! OH THE BETTER SONGS!!! :D

The People Tree:

Z-TRIP:
From the drop of blood, to bones and body parts
To vital organs, forming your brain and tiny heart
You'll feed to escape the birth until puberty finally starts
Adolescence, so don't, then your elderly body rocks
It was divine decree that begun the plan
But this disease be decreed by the sons of man
Don't try to leave with the guns in hand
Understand: God's the one in command

DAVID BYRNE (CHALI 2NA):
Did we climb out of the sea?
Where did we come from, you and me?
Two legs to walk, and as you see
I'm not a man I want to be
People growing, my backyard (I'm growing in my backyard)
In my garden, in my heart (I'm in your garden, I'm in your heart)
Pink and purple, red and blue (See all the colors?)
On this sunny afternoon (It's a sunny afternoon)

CHALI 2NA:
Back before time was time and space was space
The ever-present eye divine so laced with grace
Decided it was time to try to chase, to chase
But what it would design, now life is taking place
Within itself, divided; now it takes some space
And it can't be found alive, the mind creates the state
Of ego, now what's mine is mine
OK, now hate will reign until the blind have eyes and lay awake in wait

DAVID BYRNE (Z-TRIP):
How are the seeds in the ground?
How is my garden growing now?
A tender kiss, a little smile
The way a mother holds its child
Tasty little human beings (Tasty little human beings)
I grow them on the people tree (I grow them on the people tree)
I will eat them one by one (Eat them one by one)
If there's enough for everyone (Like you and you)

GIFT OF GAB [CHALI 2NA] (Z-TRIP):
Born in the ever-flowing life beyond the dirt
Tell me what the purpose is for creating the earth
(Maybe we created the planet as man's habitat
Be fruitful and multiply across the planet's back)
[Well, why does hate exist?
The war and AIDS and shit?
If we're to be fruitful, why can't poor people pay they rent?]
('Cause love and hate, both sides are conjoined
Physical forms have to deal with both sides of the coin)
[Why do we die?] (So you can live!)
[Why do we strive?] (So you can win!
But why did you defy every truthful word I recommend?)
My question back, why do you recommend an ode temptationing
(So I can test your patience and tolerance in the face of sin)
But why attest when you hold all the answers to the state we in?
(For you to bear witness of imperfections of mortal men)
[So it's a lesson?] (And a blessing
Journey back to where you been
'Cause before the treatment flurry seeds must first be planted in)

DAVID BYRNE (CHALI 2NA):
People growing, my backyard (I'm growing in my backyard)
In my garden, in my heart (I'm in your garden, I'm in your heart)
If you like my garden, you might like me (Look at all the colors!)
Underneath the people tree

the egg (sorry, no chicken)

I showed this image to my roommate, and this is what he had to say about it:


"It's like a hostage situation at a bank!" ~Mikey

Damn, that egg's effed.

Apart from that, school is kicking my butt. We have 6 exams in the next two weeks. *flail*

It's coo' tho. Whatev.

Apart from THAT...um, I sort of sat in at a seminar during one of my studying "breaks." *oops* It was a lecture on miRNA's by a professor from Stanford Medical School (Dr. Chen). I was fascinated by what he presented about how miRNA's are pretty much more important than a lot of other factors such as gene expression in regulating protein expression. I dunno how much you understand about all of this, but essentially miRNA's are capable of blocking the translation of proteins with the help of a RISC complex, pretty much RIGHT AS a protein could potentially be synthesized. It seems to me, and to Dr. Chen, and other prominent scientists *haha* that if gene expression of a protein is constant resulting in a constant/stable level of mRNA production, inhibition of translation by miRNA's has much greater potential of controlling the final protein output than anything else. In fact, increased miRNA levels have been shown to significantly block important phosphatases involved in the control of T cell receptor signaling in response to an antigen. Thereby, blockage of protein phosphorylation in the signaling cascade leads to gene expression for T cell proliferation and differentiation....to such an extent that numerous tumors have been shown to be induced in the presence of increased miRNA levels! *holy effs!* There was a lot more to be said about miRNA's, much of what I'm too lazy to decipher from the 5 pages of notes I took. But here's an animation I found that might be helpful to visualize what miRNA's do.

Anywho, I think I'm going to make attending such random seminar's "my thing." It utterly ROCKED my world! :D

QOD: "Just as we passed that other lamp I was going to tell you a further thing, Jack, but now I am parenthetically continuing with a new thought and by the time we reach the next I'll return to the original subject, agreed?" I certainly agreed - Kerouac, On the Road

it really looks like this...

When I saw the Milky Way, it looked exactly the same! *swoon*


And OOO! I found a beautiful poem! It's written by a governing member of the Adler Planetarium in Chicaga. I couldn't help but notice its relevance to the quote "We are a way for the Universe to know itself." More importantly, I couldn't help but notice the awe I felt as I read it, because it exactly sums up how I feel every time I look at the stars, or dream of them, or fly around in my purple spacejet surrounded by them. What can I say? I live vicariously through outer space. *oops* Not to mention, if I could think of a favorite mythical being (I know I love dragons by the Ananda Proxy), it would be the Phoenix. Alas, I'll save that discussion for another day, when I don't have an exam.

So relax, look up at the stars in your mind (because I know it's bitter cold outside), and enjoy. :)

Stargazer

Beneath the first of three stars in a row,
where lie the remnants of giants long dead,
I caught the light of a nebulous glow--
A glow that gave rise to an equine head.
So grand it seems that from this cosmic pair
of stellar nursery and stellar grave,
worlds will emerge, lit by a new star’s glare--
Phoenixes reborn from the lives they gave.
I pondered this cloud with great persistence
and found a glimmer of an answer long sought
to the question of our own existence.
By travel-weary photons I’ve been taught
that the cosmos created eyes in me
so it can gaze and have itself to see.

~Eric Francis Diaz

Copyright © 2001 Eric F. Diaz

a bit of enlightenment

The first momentous non-trail descent! O.o

amanda: gawd, i'm already tired of studying

me: you have NO IDEA how much i relate

i'm about to collapse

i've got piza in the oven

amanda: mmm pizza

Sent at 2:09 PM on Thursday

amanda: i just made a salad and some hard-boiled eyes
me: um..

eyes?

human eyes?

amanda: eggs

me: hhaaha

i'm bloggin' this
amanda: sometimes... i'd like to boil my eyes

usually close to test-taking time. Like now.

me: haha

mine are boiled already...want mine?

i bet they taste very spicy

amanda: lol probably

never settle

Every time I go home, to my home in India, I come back more alive than I had left. It takes a lot for that to happen, but it's as though my heart beats faster, more forcefully, more excitedly in my homeland. Just seeing Indian soil is enough to bring tears to my eyes. Fortunately (or unfortunately), this time fate endeavored to keep me away from any of my beloved window seats. One flight, I actually sat next to a window, except it was painted over. The point of having a window there...? Beats me. Not to mention the ~10 day flight delay battle mom and I fought. I'm not going to grace the havoc of airports and flights with more words.

I visited a lot of family members, and it's astounding how many of them will show up just to get a glimpse of you, to hold your hand, give you a hug after years of distance. I miss them a lot. And then there always the ones who saw me last when I was a 2 year old, and they'd point and say "Oh my GOD! You were *THIIIIIIS* (hand waving) little when I last saw you!!!" FO seriously. Am I supposed to remember them? *roll eyes* My best friend shed tears in the darkness at the elevator when I left. I laughed and told her not to cry, but cried myself when I got back. My brother has already called me numerous times.

This trip was different. I went trekking in the Himalaya's with my brother and uncle. Holy shit. Repeat: I went trekking in the HIMALAYA'S!!! No words could do justice to how beautiful it was. It was hard, but I just kept climbing. I just kept climbing. At one point we reached a clear patch of grass and I just lay down my feet pointed uphill and my eyes staring at an entire mountain range upside down. I laughed for a good 30 minutes staring at it all. Must have been the low oxygen content. :) It does things to my neurons. Moreover, I have never ever seen the colors turquoise and green like I did there. The moss on the trees appeared to glow, and the blue in the streams and rivers would never let my happiness rest. One highlight was when my brother (cousin) and I stopped to tie my shoelace a leaf fell down from the top of the mountainside and landed right next to my foot, almost like a welcome offering. Later along the route we found a bright red flower on the moss, and picked it up, only to forget it at a tree where we rested. It was almost like the mountains offered us a leaf, and we offered a flower in return. Ofcourse, this is me choosing to see significance in such moments.

When we reached our final campsite, Dhakuri, we were utterly exhausted. I swear, the last 1km was a descent, and holy shit, I could have sprained my ankle SO MANY TIMES because of the steepness of it. The locals literally run down it. I tried that, but failed due to my wuss-ass fear of tearing my lower limbs apart over the rocky terrain. The descent trail was literally one unstable stone after another, so much so that we didn't even take the trail but rather went straight down through the forests. Three hours later, we were eating the best food I have ever had in my life. They have magic in their hands! From what a city person would consider extremely simple food, the locals there could mould it into an amazing dish made over freshly chopped wood, such that you could taste the smoke...I know it sounds really weird, but it litereally changes the food - eg. it makes the bread sweet.

Anywho, I spent an awesome week up there. For once in my life...just being. Oh, and I saw the entire Milky Way. Fuck yeah!


I remember this comment and poem on a journal entry I wrote on my way back down:

"The locals say you have to have a pure heart to make it up. When I was there I believed it. Maybe a part of me still does. But no human is pure at heart. I think the trick was 'where there is a will, there is a way,' such that I willed myself into thinking I was pure at heart and worthy of the journey. How the mind fools the mind never fails to astound me. That is the challenge of life.

And we're stoned.
We're high tonight.
We're high above the ground tonight.
We're on a cliff tonight;
Stones on a cliff

Ready to fall
Towards gravity."

So I'm back where gravity resides. My feet are planted. And I've decided never to settle for anything less than the heights I know I can reach. And in all honestly, neither should you.

Happy New Year! :)

-"did you know you could perhaps kill somebody" -"yes but i want to do hoodrat stuff with my friends"

haha

oh heart, the things you do :)

the power of words

So you want to be a writer?

if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-love.

the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

~Charles Bukowski

what can we do?

at their best, there is gentleness in Humanity.
some understanding and, at times, acts of
courage
but all in all it is a mass, a glob that doesn't
have too much.
it is like a large animal deep in sleep and
almost nothing can awaken it.
when activated it's best at brutality,
selfishness, unjust judgments, murder.

what can we do with it, this Humanity?

nothing.

avoid the thing as much as possible.
treat it as you would anything poisonous, vicious
and mindless.
but be careful. it has enacted laws to protect
itself from you.

it can kill you without cause.
and to escape it you must be subtle.
few escape.

it's up to you to figure a plan.

I have met nobody who has escaped.

I have met some of the great and
famous but they have not escaped
for they are only great and famous within
Humanity.

I have not escaped
but I have not failed in trying again and
again.

before my death I hope to obtain my
life.

~Charles Bukowski, from blank gun silencer - 1994

*tssss*

pwnage

me: i wouldn't trade it for the Universe
ananda: Universe: ......pwned.

"And something slow
Has started in me as
Shameless as an ocean and
Mirrored in devotion

...Sparks are swirling faster" ~TVotR